In what would seem to be a stroke of genius Defence Secretary, Sir Michael Fallon, has announced that the British Armed Forces will harness the hatred of British football hooligans in their fight against ISIS.
The move comes after the revelation that one of the heroes of the London Bridge attacks is also a nasty racist. Fallon said: “We believe we’re killing two birds with one stone, we remove a stain on our society, dump them in Syria and have them fight one of the biggest threats to our nation’s security.” The task-force will consist of three parts, Millwall, West Ham and Chelsea fans, they had to separated due to their inability to not fight amongst themselves.
When asked about his impeding deployment ‘Big Bad’ Terry Berry said: “It’s gonna be well good. We’re gonna go over there and smash some fuckin’ rag heads skulls in.” When asked what his motivation was for agreeing to be deployed against an organised military force armed with nothing but a pint glass and a soggy kebab he said: “They’re brown and worship some bloke called Allan.”
Tasked with training the recruits, Sergeant Tony Adams said: “We considered giving them assault rifles as the normal troops have but decided placing that kind of weaponry in the hands of the slightly unhinged a poor choice. We’ll let them go in with what they’re used to fighting with, pint glasses, bits of broken garden furniture and a few pub stools.” Asked what he thought the hooligans chances were of defeated ISIS he replied: “Oh, absolutely none whatsoever.” What could possibly go wrong?